This is Not The End
by buckles98
Summary: Meredith and Derek try their best to make it work with Derek on the other side of the country, Meredith alone to take care of the kids, and surprises along the way. (Post 11x08)
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or plots developed by Shonda Rhimes or any other writers in this big wide world.**

**Author's Note: Much like the fic I posted earlier, I have yet to decide whether this will remain a One-Shot or be further developed into a full-fledged story, that will depend on whether I can think of what to write next! Positive reviews as well as constructive criticism are greatly appreciated. I know that many people have different interpretations of these characters, if there is anything major you would like to point out, don't hesitate! Please, read, review, and with any luck enjoy. :)**

As I took Zola and Bailey from their car seats, grabbed all of our bags and made the short trek from the car to the front door with Bailey in my arms and Zola at my side, I was struck with a feeling of uncertainty. What would I see when I opened the front door? Would there be suitcases by the door waiting for their cross-country trip? Or would they already be at the airport?

We shuffled into the house, and Zola ran to what she had pegged the 'tea party table' as I set our bags by the door, took off Bailey's coat and shoes, and let him run toward his sister. Not once did I glance around to see if Derek was anywhere in sight, but I knew, from the lack of shrieking coming from my tired 4 year-old that he wasn't in the immediate vicinity. I heard Zola giggle and turned toward her to see both of the kids involved in a serious game of 'Ring Around the Rosy' that had them in full-belly laughs as their tiny bottoms collided with the plush rug of the play area. A smile made its way onto my face as I took in the scene and sighed, knowing it was time for baths and bed, but they were so happy in this moment. I knew that the nights to come wouldn't bring nearly as much joy with them, and I wanted Zola and Bailey to savor every second of this one.

After loading the dishwasher, folding a load of laundry that had without a doubt been sitting in the laundry room for at least a couple days, and listening to the kids play, I couldn't put it off any longer.

"All right Zo it's bath time," I cheered, attempting to mask the exhaustion from the day.

She turned toward me with a pout and whined, "But, Mama, I not even dirty, my toes not stinky."

"Well they will be in the morning," I said with a roll of my eyes as I scooped up Bailey and grabbed her hand. "Come on sweetie. You can help me pick out pajamas for you AND your brother, OK?"

She perked up at this up and nearly shouted, "Bailey gotsta wear the dino' jammies Mama, and I can wear da pincess ones, I always da pincess."

"Yes you are," I laughed, she definitely inherited her father's ego. I watched as she bolted down the hall and toward her door before smiling down at the little boy in my arms as I followed after her, "Come on Monkey, let's go get you and Miss Crazy Pants in the tub."

With his hands on both sides of my face and two light smacks came a "Dinos!" from the little guy and off we went.

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From the moment we had returned home, I knew Derek was here, his sent lingered and didn't leave during the hour I had been here. He had stayed cooped up in our room for most of the night, only coming out for a brief moment after the kids' bath to read them their favorite bedtime story, 'Click Clack Moo Cows that Type', and kiss them goodnight before heading back.

I hadn't been in there yet and I was nervous for what I would find when I did. Would his clothes be emptied from the closet and folded neatly into suitcases? Would his books have disappeared from the bedside table? He hadn't said a word to me since I told him to go to D.C., and as much as it pains me to tell him to leave our family behind, to leave me behind, and go after his dream job on the other side of the country, I know he needs it. Part of me had this glimmer of hope that he would fight me when I told him to go, that he would prove to me that our family was more important than his career, but that's more of a fairy-tale thing and those are not my strong suit.

Before I knew it, I had been standing in front of our bedroom door for 5 minutes thinking about what I would find if I went in. Finally, I ripped off the band aid, 'no anesthesia', as Derek would say, and opened the door. My breath hitched in my throat as I took in my surroundings and I leaned against the door frame for support.

The closet doors were open and half of the closet empty, and as I looked over to my left, there he was, sitting on the edge of my side of the bed and staring off into space. I took a deep breath and with a crackly voice said, "This isn't how we end, is it? After everything we've been through, this… this can't be how we end," I could feel the tears building behind my eyes and as his head turned, our eyes met, his were laced with tears too. He shook his head, opened his mouth and closed it again before placing his elbows on his knees and holding his head between his hands. Slowly, I pushed myself from the door jam and sat next to him on the bed.

"Meredith, I… I can't not now, please, I don't have any fight left in me," his body sagged into every word that fell from his mouth, and for the first time in weeks, I saw the toll this has taken on him.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a split second before saying, "I'm sorry, Derek. I'm sorry that you feel like you haven't had my support, and I know I haven't been so gracious in handing it out, but Derek, you never asked my opinion about any of this. You just made all of these decisions and expected me to go along with them. I'm not trying to start a fight, trust me that is the last thing I want. This is why I never asked you to stay, and this is why I'm telling you to leave, as much as I hate the thought of living on opposite ends of the country, I know you need this. I know that if you never try to make it work, you will always resent me, and the kids for keeping you from such an amazing opportunity. Coming home has to be your choice, I can only hope that you realize you can't live without us and come crawling back," I ended with a slight laugh that came out as more of a strangled sob.

I watched as the tension uncoiled from his back and he relaxed slightly into the bed, before dropping one hand and propping his cheek on the other as he looked me in the eye. A slight smile graced his face and he let out a chuckle, before he sat up straight, wrapping one arm around me and placed one hand on my thigh, pulling me close and pressing his cheek against my head. As I circled my arms around his waist giving him a small squeeze he whispered, "I'm sorry I've been an ass lately, I've been having a hard time and I shouldn't have taken it out on you as much as I did. I love you Meredith."

"I know; I love you too Derek. I'm still pissed off, you realize that, right?"

He laughs louder this time, "Oh, I know; never doubted it for a second."

We sat wrapped up in each other, physically and emotionally, until he took a deep breath, no doubt breathing in the smell of my lavender conditioner, kissed the top of my head and looked at me before stating, "We should get some sleep."

Ten minutes later, we were in bed, side by side. Knowing this would be our last night in the same bed together for who knows how long, I wanted nothing more than to curl into his arms the way I had for years. Derek must have had the same thought, because moments after the thought crossed my mind, he rolled onto his side, moved closer, and pulled me toward his chest. My breath caught in my throat at the simple, once so usual action before I cuddled into his warmth.

"Meredith," I felt his breath on the back of my neck even before I heard his soft, sleep-filled voice. "We will never end," and with that short sentence, I knew that eventually we would be alright. It may take a lot of talking, listening, phone calls, and Skype sessions, but one day, we will be OK. We've been through so much together, and this will not be the end of us.

** Positive reviews as well as constructive criticism are greatly appreciated!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or plots developed by Shonda Rhimes or any other writers in this big wide world.**

**Author's Note: I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to think of anything to keep this story going, but it just kind of happened. So here it is, chapter 2. Thank you to those who have reviewed, I really appreciate the kind words, and am right with you in being nervous about the future of MerDer. Though I don't believe they will get a divorce, I do believe the rest of Season 11 will be rocky. :/ Please, read, review, hopefully enjoy!**

_Family is no longer defined as a married couple that lives in the same house, with children of their own. America is a widely diverse country. It is a melting pot of people with many different beliefs, backgrounds, and cultures. Families now consist of single parent households, adopted children, step children, two moms, two dads, or parents who love each other but aren't necessarily living together. Each of these variations of family bring with them their own hard times. One family dynamic is not better than another, and one is not worse. It depends on the character of the people in the family, not the way a family is composed_

It had been two days since the night Meredith had told me to go to D.C. Two days spent with the three people I loved most in this world. Two days of waking up next to my wife, making pancakes while she brewed the coffee (the one and only 'food group' she couldn't ruin), waking the kids up and eating breakfast as a family. Two days of trips to the park and the zoo, where Zola and Bailey each got to pick out a new animal friend, a giraffe for Zo-Zo and a monkey for Bailey who were later named Gi-Gi and Me. Two days of bliss. Two days that felt like two seconds.

"Daddy, why you leavin'? Was I bad?" I turned from the dresser full of tiny, colorful clothes to the innocent little girl, eyes still clouded with sleep and now tears, swinging her feet from her perch on her toddler bed. Sighing, I made my way over to her, a gray dress with purple polka dots and purple tights in hand, and sat next to her before scooping her into my arms.

"Oh Zo-Zo you weren't bad sweetie. Daddy just has to go away for work for a little while," she wrapped her arms around my neck and I pulled her flat against my chest. With each tiny tear that fell against my shoulder, my hurt strings pulled tighter. "I love you so much princess," I whispered softly into her ear, "and I promise that we'll talk all the time."

"On da 'puter or da phone?" came the tiny voice full of tears, "'Cause on da 'puter I see you but on da phone I just hear you," as she finished her sentence, her breath shuddered the slightest bit.

"How about we do both, huh?" I asked as I began to rock her back and forth slowly.

"Pinky Promise?" she asked.

"Pinky Promise," I watched as her tiny finger wrapped around my larger one before closing my eyes for just a second. I wanted to freeze that moment, make it last forever, but I knew that I had to leave soon to make my flight, so I released her finger and tickled her belly lightly. She let out a loud giggle that sounded amazingly similar to her mothers and with that I said, "Alright Princess, let's get you dressed!"

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Five minutes and a few laughable struggles later, Zola and I were walking hand-in-hand into the living room, where we found Meredith and Bailey playing with a few of his hundreds of cars on the couch.

"There you are! I thought I was going to have to send out a search party, what took so long?" came Meredith's voice as she laughed, half at her own joke and half at Bailey's face as he dropped his car off the back of the couch. God, I thought to myself, I'm going to miss them so much.

"We had a last minute business deal to make, right Miss Zola," I said, puffing out my chest and lowering my voice an octave as I turned my attention back to her.

A smile spread across her face and she too attempted to puff out her chest and lower her voice, "Right Mr. Daddy!" We stood facing each other, our noses scrunched, chests puffed and hands at our hips, before I gave her a low growl and swept her up, flipping her over my shoulder, and moving around the couch, as Meredith gazed toward us with a smile on her face and Bailey remained entranced with his recently-rescued car. I grabbed a package from the coffee table, and sat next to Meredith and Bailey, flipping Zola over and into my lap. She landed with a plop and a giggle. Meredith grabbed Bailey and his car, with a small smile gracing her face, and cuddled him into her lap as well. Zola eyed the package I had settled into her lap and giggled loudly, "Daddy is it a present?"

Once the word 'present' left her mouth, Bailey perked up and repeated, "Peasant?!"

I chuckled slightly and replied, "It is and it's for you and Bailey, can you two open it together?" I watched as Zola lovingly guided her baby brother's smaller hands over the present and helped him tear it open. She looked up at me, confusion flooding her wide brown eyes, as she held the book their hands.

"But Daddy, we already gots da Moo book," her sweet voice reminded me.

"I know you do sweetie, but this one is special," I took the book, opened it in between the kids and pointed to a small red button on the first page with a tiny white speaker stamped on it, "see this little button? Click it." Meredith and I watched closely as Zola's tiny finger pushed down on the button, her mouth widened, and Bailey stared as, "Click Clack Moo Cows That Type," flowed from the speaker in the book in their Daddy's voice.

Bailey took his chubby little fingers and grabbed the book with one hand and my leg with the other, "Dadda!" he yelled.

"Daddy," Zola shrieked in delight, "You in da book!"

To my right, Meredith giggled softly, "He is princess," she cooed as she ran her fingers through Bailey's blond hair. A moment later, I watched as her eyes drifted to her phone's screen before her face fell and she said in a barely audible voice, "You should probably get going, you don't want to miss your flight."

For a little longer than a second, I stared in to her eyes in an attempt to convey just how much I was dreading this plane ride, then I glanced toward my watch and nodded, "You're right. OK princess give Daddy on last big hug." Zola shoved the book closer to her brother and turned around, throwing herself against me full force.

"I wub you Daddy," came her tiny whisper.

"I love you too Zola. Be good for Mommy OK, and help out with your brother. I'll see you soon, I promise," in a matter of seconds a knot had formed in my throat and tears built up behind my eyes. I let her go and reached to lift Bailey into the air, as she climbing into Meredith's lap, curled into a ball, and twirled a trand o her hair between he fingers.

"And you, Monkey! You be good for Mommy too, don't keep her awake too much at night OK?" I held him close and kissed the top of his head, as he giggled loudly.

Meredith moved closer to me and relaxed against me for a moment before squeezing Zola one more time and setting her on her feet in front of the couch, "Why don't you take your brother to the tea party table and show him how to play your fishy game, OK?" Zola perked up and smiled as I set Bailey down beside her and he toddled after her.

I could feel Meredith's eyes on me as I moved from the couch to the door to put my coat and shoes on. I knew she was upset, that this would be difficult for her, hell, it was difficult for me and I was the one leaving. As much as I know I need to go to D.C. and try to make this situation work, figure out what it is I want, and who I am, the one thing I know for certain is that leaving my family behind is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Hurting Meredith has never been something I've tried to do, but is something that has happened more times than I would like to remember.

I barely hear her soft footsteps as she inches closer. Her breathing is becoming more and more labored as she tries to keep herself from crying, and as I turn around, I see the first tears run down her cheeks. She's quick to wipe them away, but they're only followed by more. Giving her a sad smile, I lean down and circle my arms tightly around her shoulders, before rubbing my hands up and down her back. In the distance, I can hear the horn of the cab waiting to take me away from my family, and I know it's over now.

"I love you so much Meredith," I whispered as she began to slow her breathing, most likely for the kids' sake, and maybe even mine.

"I love you too," she replied as she pulled away slightly, wiped her eyes one final time and kissed me, "text me when you land." I nodded slightly before sending yet another sad smile her way with a tilt of my head and returned her kiss. With one last squeeze and one last glance to the kids, still happily playing with the fishies, I grabbed my bags and walked out the door.

As I sat in the cab travelling toward work and away from my family, I began checking emails, playing solitaire, and anything else that would distract me from the reality of the situation, because as much as I loved my work, I missed my family already. Suddenly, I found myself hovering over Meredith's name in my phone and knew I needed to text her something, anything, so I did, "I love you, this isn't the end, I promise. XO"

_Family is more than being physically close to someone, it's more than what the person looks like or acts like. It's more than their gender, race, or beliefs. It's about that feeling you get. The way your heart skips a beat at the sound of their laugh, or nearly stops when you know they're in pain. It's about being able to trust them with your deepest, darkest secrets and flaws, knowing that they are committed to you and you are committed to them, forever. It isn't about the physicality of it all, it's about the emotion, it's about love._

**Reviews both positive and constructive are very much appreciated, and would help in improving my writing! I don't have a huge overall goal for this story, I'm just taking it one chapter at a time as of now. Though, I hope you stick with me as I develop this story and my writing. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy, if I did, I probably wouldn't still be using a laptop from 2002 that doesn't hold a charge.**

**Authors Note: Now that I have officially decided where the ending point of this fic will be. I'm planning on shooting for publishing a chapter a week probably on Thursdays, however that's pretty dependent on my schedule. This chapter is the longest of the three so far, but brace yourselves.**

** Please! Read and review!**

_Marriages hold a staggering 50% probability of failing, meaning that 5 out of every 10 couples will end in divorce. This hasn't always been the case, in fact, it was only in the last couple decades that the percentage began to increase substantially. Many different factors contribute to this dramatic increase, including different generations and development of morals. However, it seems as if the largest factor has been changes in women. This seems like a broad statement, but hear me out. For centuries most women were housewives, they cooked meals, cleaned, and cared for the children, while their husbands worked long hours to support their families. As time progressed, more and more women began to realize that they deserved the opportunity to accomplish just as much, if not more than ,men. They realized they wanted to be the doctors, the lawyers, and the police officers. Don't get me wrong, being a stay at home mom is a job in itself, one of the most challenging in the world, but not everyone strives for a family. The ego of a man is a sensitive thing, for some more than others, and once women started taking on some of the responsibility of supporting the family financially, some men didn't respond well. This is what ultimately lead to the divorce of many couples, because the men had a hard time accepting the fact that their wives would be working too, and women didn't want to be held back by their husbands just because he was afraid of competition._

It's been a week since Derek left for D.C. and he isn't scheduled to visit for another two weeks. Bailey and Zola have listened to Click Clack Moo Cows That Type so many times that I'm starting to hate Derek for bringing it into the house. I'm not saying it wasn't a nice gesture, but seriously? I can recite the frickin' book from memory by now. I knew I would miss him, I knew we would all miss him, but I didn't plan on missing him this much. Sure, we've talked on Skype nearly every day and when we can't do that we at least get a phone call, but I've found myself wanting to talk to him about the most random things, like the kid that came into the ER looking like a pin cushion because he and his brother decided it would be a good idea for on of them to stand in front of the dart board while the other tried to get a point around him and how we are never, ever buying a dart board. I've been wondering, did I ever want to tell him this much when he was here, did we actually talk that much? You know the saying, "You don't know what you have until it's gone?" I knew what I had, the problem was, I never thought I would lose Derek.

Bailey banged his sippy-cup against the counter from his perch in his cereal-covered highchair, shaking me from my daydream. I smiled and scrunched my nose at him then finished filling Zola's Cheerios with milk, grabbed our bowls, and moved around the island.

"Come on Zo, it's time for breakfast," I placed our bowls at the counter and watched as she ran from her tea party table to the kitchen, her tiara still snug on her head, "Do you want help up, Princess?"

Zola shook her head and with a slight roll of her eyes replied, "Mama, I a big girl, I don't need no help!" I laughed slightly to myself as she climbed up the chair and sat on her knees in front of her bowl, as I took my place between her and Bailey. By some kind of miracle, we ate quietly for a few minutes, only the sounds of Zola slurping her cereal, and Bailey smacking his slimy little hands all over his Cheerios-covered tray. The peacefulness was interrupted by the ringing of my cell and Zola asked, "Dat Daddy?" with a mouth full of cereal. I looked at the screen and saw a familiar smiling face, and replied, "Not this time Princess," before answering, "Hey Cristina, haven't heard from you in a while."

"Yeah, well you know how it is, changing the future of medicine, it's tiring," she replied in her infamously sarcastic voice.

I laughed and retorted, "No, I can't say I do, maybe you should call Derek and you two can talk about the detrimental effects of being medical superheroes," meeting her sarcastic tone.

"That's right, he's off in D.C. now, when's he coming back?"

I could hear her shuffling papers around, no doubt still at work, "Not for a couple weeks yet, and even then he can only stay for three days," I replied as I reached to catch Bailey's sippy-cup before it fell to the floor and kissed the top of his head.

"Well at least he's coming home, right? How are the munchkins?"

"Yeah, sure. They're good, they miss him, but they're good. Let's not talk about the whole Derek thing right now, what have you been up?" I asked, dying to talk about something else for a change. Bailey started whining, finished with his breakfast and anxious to play. As Cristina began to tell me about her project and the renewed "on-call room (or closest possible secluded area) dates" with Ross, I brought the dishes around to the sink, grabbed a wash cloth, wiped off Bailey's hands and face, and plucked him from his highchair before setting him on his feet to run off and play with Zola, who had gone to play moments after Cristina called.

"I thought the thing with Ross was a fluke, why are you back at it?" I asked, waiting patiently for an explanation, as I wiped down the counter and high chair before placing the dishes in the dishwasher.

"It was, or it was supposed to be. A girl has needs Mer."

"Don't I know it," I muttered, "I should get going, I have to get the kids ready and head to work."

"Ok, talk to you soon, smack McDreamy for me, will you?"

"For you, Anything," I laughed before finishing, "Bye Cris."

Shoving my phone in my back pocket, I made my way toward the kids, "Come on Munchkins, let's go get your shoes on," I said as I attempted to heard them toward the door.

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An 80 car pileup on the largest freeway in Seattle, though it brought in all the internal injuries, from seat-belts and steering wheels, a general surgeon could hope for, made it an incredibly exhausting day, which was only intensified by having to take care of two small, amazingly energetic kids alone. Amelia wouldn't be able to make it home tonight seeing as she was the on-call neurosurgeon and getting the kids in their pajamas and into their own beds felt nearly impossible, but was made a little easier after a Skype session with Derek. He read them their favorite book, using the copy he had taken after replacing it with the voice-recorded copy, and promised them he would take them to the zoo to see the penguins if they were good until he got home. As we said goodbye, and I gave them baths, put their pajamas on and brushed their hair and teeth, the sadness of Derek leaving was replaced once again with anger towards him. Even as Zola and Bailey begged to hear their book, as his soft, soothing voice flowed out of the speaker, instead of settling me down, along with the kids, it only intensified my anger.

I finished tucking the kids into bed and went to get ready myself. Walking into the room and toward my dresser to grab pajamas, I couldn't help but stop and glance at the open closet that was half empty. Angry tears welled in my eyes as I continued to the dresser, ripped open the drawers, grabbed the first items my hands collided with, and slammed the drawers shut. I changed into my pajamas, not bothering to take off my makeup, and crawled into bed. Somehow I had never noticed exactly how big it was. When furnishing the house, Derek and I decided we wanted a bed big enough to fit us, Zola, and any other kids we might have. Not for a second, did I think I would one day be living in this house, putting our kids to bed, and sleeping in our bed without him every night.

I tossed and turned for what seemed like forever, the anger never leaving, not even for a moment. It wasn't supposed to be like this, we never had it in our plans to be living on opposite ends of the country. I had never expected to have to raise our kids alone. It had only been a week and already I was so tired I felt as though I could sleep for years. With barely any thought at all, I reached over and snatched my cell from the night stand, unlocking it and hitting speed-dial 1. I must have woken him up because he answered with a gruff, "Hello?"

All of a sudden I couldn't think of what exactly I wanted to say, all I knew was that I wanted to yell.

"Meredith, is that you? Is everything OK?" as his concerned voice filled my ear my breath hitched.

"Why did you leave?" I asked sharply.

"Meredith, it's late, I don't want to have this fight right now," his voice came through laced with sleep and desperation.

"No! Don't try to do that; don't try to put this off! We already had a breather, I was sad that you were gone and I was ignoring the fact that you chose to leave. All I was thinking about was that you weren't going to be here and how much it would suck. Now I'm over that, so completely over that. I don't have the ability to be anything more than pissed off at you right now! Tell me, why did you leave?" my voice began to pick up in speed and in ferocity as I whipped the covers off and paced around the room, "When I told you to go, you shouldn't have left! You should have stayed and fought me, told me I was wrong. You should have fought for your family and you didn't. Why would you do this?!"

He took a deep breath and I heard him groan in frustration, "You made me feel like I had to stay in Seattle in order to keep my family and then you told me to leave! I get to be a little ambivalent here; it's a huge, life-changing opportunity Meredith! You told me to leave and I listened! I thought that was what you wanted! You said you knew that I was unhappy giving up this job, and you accused me of bringing everyone down with me! I didn't have a choice. You shoved me in a corner and gave me no room to breathe. Excuse me for thinking for one moment that my wife would ask me to do something for the benefit of our family!"

"I didn't want this! I never asked for any of this! I never asked you to turn down the position, hell I gave a presentation for you when you were sick in a hospital bed, as much as I know you think I don't support you, I do! I have and do you know what that's gotten me? Do you know who this has turned me into? My mother," I took a deep breath, angrier than before I had called and I knew I had to end it," I drove the father of my children away just like my mother did to my father! I drove you away from me, just like she did with Richard! I am just like her in every way I never wanted to be, I was supposed to be better. I was supposed to be able to do the marriage and babies thing AND be a surgeon! This job destroyed what we had!"

I hit end, threw my phone on to the bed and walked toward the kitchen. If there was one thing that always calmed me down, it was good 'ole Jose and he was sounding pretty damn god right about now.

**Read, Review, and Enjoy. (3 more days!)**

**Thank you to those of you who have reviewed, I appreciate your feedback more than you know! **

**What are you looking forward to in Thursdays episode and the others to come. Are you nervous? Excited? Everything. Because I don't know about you but it's attack of the feels over here.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, if I did I would probably be able to come up with something funny to say, but I can't, so I don't.**

**Author's Note: I struggled writing this chapter, I started and stopped at least four times, and was afraid I wouldn't be able to post by today, but thanks to this wonderful snow day, I have! This isn't my favorite so far and I'm a little unsure about it, but here goes. Please! Read, review, and hopefully enjoy!**

_Love and hate go hand in hand. Hating someone is nearly impossible without loving someone else. When someone is a victim of rape, their family hates the rapist because they love the victim, but that's the kind of hate that goes away after a while, because the person you love grows and moves on. On the other hand, when husband and wife find themselves hating each other, the hate is out of love. They hate that the other doesn't spend enough time at home, or spends too much time drinking with friends. They hate because they have such an intense love for their spouse that they don't want to see them hurt, and they don't want them to make mistakes they'll regret. This is the kind of hatred that is always there under the surface, but is smothered in love until an incident occurs and love and hate are on the same playing field._

Never ending, that was how the day had felt. I was distracted all throughout the day, all I could think about was the conversation, if you could even call it that, Meredith and I had this morning. It felt as though I had been in a car accident and now had a severe case of whip lash. I couldn't seem to wrap my head around how exactly she had gone from being so understanding to completely and utterly angry. There was a level of hatred in her voice this morning that I had never heard directed at me before, and it terrified me. What if I was wrong, what if this was the end?

When she compared herself to her mother, my stomach hit the floor and my heart ached, as I remembered our conversation just a few weeks ago. I told her she sounded just like her mother, I shouldn't have said that, I realized that now, and I also realized exactly how much Meredith needed to be reminded that she is nothing like her mother. She may have inherited her drive, passion for medicine, and maybe even Alzheimer's however she did not inherit her terrible mothering skills. Meredith is a wonderful mother; she cares for our kids so much better than I ever could have hoped.

I made my way into my apartment complex, said hello to the doorman, Stew, and walked in to the elevator, before hitting the number four on the panel and slouching against the far wall. It was odd to think that I wouldn't be greeted by Zola crashing into my legs and Bailey toddling as fast as his little legs could carry him in an attempt to do the same. I went home every day to a place my family had never been, or even seen pictures of. This apartment wasn't home, if it were, there would be little shoes and coats by the door, toys scattered about like a tornado had swept through, and Curious George playing on the TV. As I walked from the elevator to my door, I knew there was no possibility of any of it. The living area was empty, all lights were off, and it was nearly eerily quiet.

Sighing loudly, I set my briefcase on the floor adjacent to the door and my coat on the hook above it before turning toward the kitchen area and heading to the fridge to scrounge for dinner. It was nearly bare, with only lettuce, leftover pizza, salad dressing, cheese, a tomato and beer, so I decided to throw together a salad and save the pizza for later. I took a seat on the couch, salad and beer in hand and flipped on the TV. Moments later, I heard ringing coming from my open laptop on the kitchen counter. I smiled to myself when I saw it was a Skype call from Meredith, I grabbed the laptop and moved back to the couch with it before clicking accept. Within seconds Zola and Bailey appeared on my screen accompanied by Amy.

"Hey!" I said as I felt my smile grow wider and wider.

"Daddy!" came Zola's giggly voice, as she bounced up and down sporting a princess dress and sparkly crown.

"Did you have a good day, Princess?" I asked as I shifted slightly to mute the news.

"Yeah! 'Phia and I played dollies and Mommy came to play wit us and e'rything!" excitement filled her voice making me miss her even more. I continued talking to Zola, Bailey, and Amy for about an hour before I heard Meredith's voice in the background telling them it was time to get ready for bed. As I said goodbye to the kids, I could see her cleaning up the playroom and hear her talking quietly to Amy as she helped. Moments later, Amy was taking the kids down the hall and Meredith was rounding the couch to take a seat in front of her laptop.

Her voice was soft as she twisted her watch around her wrist and said, "Hey."

"Hey," I replied hesitantly with a slight smile on my face as I tilted my head.

"Amelia said she would put the kids to bed, or well, she forced me to let her," she said bitterly with a laugh then continued, "Look, Derek, I'm sorry for last night, this morning, whatever. I know it caught you off guard and I never should have called just to yell so, I'm sorry."

"Meredith, I'm glad you called me. I want you to talk to me; I need to know how you feel," I replied softly, and quite honestly a little desperately.

For the first time, she looked me in the eye, opening her mouth to say something else but closing it quickly, prior to bouncing her leg and running a hand through her hair out of nervousness.

"What's going on? That night, you told me you understood, and you wanted me to leave, to ensure I wouldn't resent you and the kids. Then this morning you basically tell me you hate me for leaving, Meredith what is going on?" I could see the wheels turning in her head trying to piece together her thoughts, and in that moment I could tell that she was just as confused as I was, if not more.

"I don't know, Derek, I… just because I may understand that you need to do this, doesn't mean I'm happy about it. I don't know why it hit me just last night, and I can't tell you why I was so calm when I told you to go. I guess, I just... I don't know," she leaned against the back of the couch and pulled her legs to her chest protectively, "I've told you before, I'm complicated," her face spread into sad a smile with her last statement and the exhaustion was evident on her face.

"That, my dear, is the least confusing statement you've made in weeks," I said with a laugh. She laughed too and told me to shut up. We sat in silence for a few minutes, staring at each other through our computer screens. This would take some getting used to, it took me long enough to even figure out how to use it, but seeing Meredith and the kids only through a video camera was going to be rough. Not being able to hug them, kiss them, or cuddle them before bed for weeks at a time may be the hardest part of this job.

"So, that thing you said about being your mother," I started, breaking the silence and watching as she tensed, "Meredith, I know I haven't been great about telling you this, but you are nothing like her. You're an amazing mom, those kids adore you."

Meredith shifted on the couch and smiled slightly for just a split second, "Derek you said so yourself, I'm the reason you're gone. I told you to leave and even if I know that you need this, I feel guilty for driving you away from the kids, they love you so much, sometimes I wonder if they love you more than they love me."

"Meredith, half the time we talked tonight, Zola went on and on about you, the Mac 'n' Cheese you made for dinner the other night, the visits to daycare, all of the tea parties. Meredith, you put your mother to shame. Now I may be a little biased, but I would go as far as to say you are the best mother I have ever known, ever seen even," I finished with a smile and a tilt of my head, knowing it was the best way to get a smile from her.

Meredith laughed quietly and shook her head before responding, "You know, you're pretty good at making me forget why I'm mad at you."

"I am, huh? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" I retorted, hoping for a positive response to the sly comment.

"The jury's still out on that one." She said with a smirk, full well knowing my intentions.

We talked for hours, about anything and everything; how my research was going, the annoying assistant I was stuck with, I gave her a full run down on all of the people in my office, and how her research was going, even updates on Yang. It was nice, talking to my wife about every day things just like we had for years. The only difference was that this time we had nearly two weeks of talking to cram into one sitting. For the first time in a long time, we were laughing together, teasing each other almost as if nothing had happened. As if we were in the same room, not on opposite ends of the country.

My feet were propped on the coffee table in front of me, as I glanced to my right and checked the time on my phone, "I need to get going, I have to be up for work in 5 hours," I said with a woeful sigh.

"OK," she replied, she had moved from her position against the back of the couch and was now laying down, propped in the corner of the sectional with the laptop on her lap, "Hey Derek?" she asked as I moved to sit up and place the computer in front of me, rubbing my eyes.

"Yeah," I replied with a sleep-filled voice.

"Thank you, for making me laugh, and knowing exactly what I needed. I really, really love you, ya know?" her voice was soft and low.

"I love you too, more than you know. Get some sleep, OK?" as we were saying goodbye, I could see her eyelids drooping lower and lower, and I could hear her breathing evening out. Before we had a chance to hang up, she was fast asleep. I reached to grab my phone on the couch cushion to my right, and unlocked it and scrolled to Amy's contact.

"Hello?" she replied in a chipper voice.

"Hey Amy, Meredith fell asleep on the couch. Would you mind going out there to turn off her computer, maybe lay a blanket over her, so she doesn't get cold?"

"Oh, yeah no problem," she stated, "How are you Derek?"

"Thanks, I appreciate it," I replied with a yawn, "I'm good, I guess. Just, look out for her, will you?"

"Of course Derek, I would do anything for you guys, you know that."

"Mmhmm, well I'll see you in about a week," I said, as I watched her grab the computer off of Meredith, and gently toss a blanket over her slender body before the screen went black.

"OK, see ya then," she whispered.

As I hung up, I thought of the weeks to come and wondered how they would play out. How many more times would Meredith and I fight each other from across the country, and make-up via Skype? Thinking about the unpredictability of the future, the uncertainty settled like a rock in my stomach. I had been worried earlier that the end might actually be near, however after the events of the night, those thoughts had been replaced by more optimistic thoughts that we may actually be able to make it through this.

**Thank you to those who have reviewed, I really appreciate it! It makes my day :)**

**Happy first Grey's day of the year! (The excitement and fear I feel right now is CRAZY)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy, but that's OK because Thursday night's episode was amazing.**

**Author's Note: I had absolutely nothing I needed to do today and I was itching to write, so here it is, chapter 5 :)There are a few different aspects to this one, and I'm a little nervous about it, so let me know what you think!**

Love can crush you, it can destroy you, make you feel obsolete and beyond repair. Don't forget, however that love can also build you up, rebuild you, and make you feel like the most important person in the room. I was terrified for the longest time of falling in love, because the only love I ever knew was the kind that disappeared. Then I met Derek and he made me believe that love could be infinite, that if the love was real and unconditional it would cease to waver. Though this belief was tested many times over the years, it never disappeared, because what we have is real it is infinite and we may have rough patches, but for us, the end is nowhere near. This last rough patch was one of the longest and harshest that we had ever had, but we got through it. Of course the outcome isn't perfect, but perfection is nonexistent. It had been so long since I had been deliriously in love with him that I had almost forgotten what it felt like. I was floating, I was exhausted from taking care of the kids, but Amelia had been helping out a lot, it didn't matter though, because I was happy. For the first time in a long time, and though I knew that I would be happier if Derek were here with us, I had learned to accept that this is just the way it had to be for a while.

My mouth began to form a smile as these thoughts drifted through my brain while I stood at the nurse's station completing my latest patient chart. I was so caught up in my daydream that I hadn't realized Callie standing next to me before she spoke up, "For someone whose husband is living 3,000 miles away you seem really happy. What's up with you?"

As her voice pierced my thoughts, I turned my head to look at her, she was leaning with her hip against the counter and her hand on her other hip. I felt a blush creep onto my face as I shook my head slightly and closed the chart, before handing it off to nurse Debbie, "Nothing, it's just... I don't know. Life is good I guess. I mean, it could be better, but I'm learning to be content with what I've got."

Callie's eyebrow shot up and she laughed a little, "Oh, you got the cheeseburger, didn't you?" she questioned slyly and continued before I had a chance to answer, "Wait, but Derek isn't due back for another week, did he come home early?"

"No!" I giggled as I turned to face her, "There was no cheeseburger."

"Oooh was it a Skype cheese burger? How is that? I've never actually done it before but I heard it's really fun," Callie passed her chart off and wiggled her eyebrows at me, giggling the entire time.

"Callie, there was no cheeseburger, I promise," I laughed, shaking my head and tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. Sighing slightly I continued, "It just... feels different now. I mean, I understand that he has to be where he is, and he understands why I had to stay. We're making it work, we're OK," I smiled whimsically, "We talk on the phone, all the time. I tell him stories about the kids, how things are going at work, and he tells me about the people in his office, and the doorman, Stew from his apartment building. Apparently when he gets bored, he goes downstairs and talks to him, they're pretty good friends now, I guess. You know, I was upset before, partly because I didn't know where he would be everyday or the people he would be with, but I feel like I've been there now. We Skyped one day and he took me on a tour of his office isn't struggling as much anymore and that helps too," shaking my head slightly, I looked Callie in the eye and we shared a smile.

"Look at you, you're like a love-struck intern. Or drunk, are you drunk?" she laughed again and it was followed by a long, sad sigh.

"A little bit of both," I joked quietly, drawing yet another laugh from Callie, "I'm sorry, for going on and on to you. I should be asking you how you are, but here I am..." I trailed off for a moment before asking, "Really Callie, how are you doing with the situation between you and Arizona?" She tensed slightly and I almost regretted asking.

"It's complicated... I don't know what's going to happen next. We're both busy with work and Sophia,we haven't had much time to talk. You know, we tried that 30 day thing and it didn't exactly go the way we planned. At least we're not fighting anymore, but that's only because we aren't talking at all, at least not other than exchanging Sophia. I don't know, there's so much that we just aren't agreeing on and it's..." she sighed again, her shoulders slouching in defeat, "We'll see."

I looked her directly in the eye and said,"If you need anything, anything at all, just ask. I can take Sophia for you anytime, within reason, just let me know. You don't have to be alone in this Callie."

Her eyes began to water slightly and whispered, "Thank you Meredith, really. I really appreciate it. We shared a smile before turning and headed in opposite directions down the hallway.

* * *

><p>An hour later I walked out of Mrs. Wallace's room, finally finished with my rounds and felt my my phone buzz in my pocket. As I pulled it out of my pocket and looked down at the picture on the screen, I smiled and answered, "Hey," I whispered, walking toward the nearest on call room and plopping on the bed.<p>

The shuffling of papers came before the voice, "Hey!" the voice became quieter and I heard talking in the background, "Sorry about that, I just finished with a meeting. How's your day going?"

"It's good, busy but good. I talked to Callie this morning, I'm worried about her, them. I don't know if they'll be able to make it through this," I sighed heavily and turned to lean against the wall.

"I'm sure they'll figure something out Meredith, we did," his voice lightened and I could almost see the smile on his face.

"I'm not so sure Derek, they've had so much thrown at them the last couple years."

"We'll help them, any way we can." a door closed and I heard the squeak of his chair as he sat down.

"So, Dr. Shepherd. It's Friday night, what are you doing?" I asked with a smile gracing my face.

"Paperwork probably, I was supposed to have meetings all day tomorrow, but they were cancelled. I should probably stock the fridge and buy a few more things for the apartment," he stopped abruptly as I began to laugh, "What?"

"That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You need to get out, go to a bar with the Stew or something."

"Shut-up," he chuckled, "You want me to go to a bar with my doorman?"

"Or you know, since you have the whole weekend, and you need to get stuff done, I could come help. We filled the house in the woods together just fine." I surprised even myself by offering to visit, but I hoped that he wouldn't tell me not to come.

"That would be." he began, his voice laced with surprise, "that would be amazing, but Meredith I'll be home in a week. You don't have to, not if you don't want to."

For a moment, I was silent as I thought about what to do. I couldn't just leave the kids for the weekend so suddenly. I had promised Zola that we would do something special, going to see Derek would be the best surprise for them, but how would I handle two kids and our stuff by myself? When I finally spoke up, I said, "Derek, you've been gone for three weeks already, the kids miss you, I miss you. They could come with, Zola really wants to see where Daddy always is, and maybe it'll make it a little easier to get through this last week."

"Ok," he whispered with a smile in his voice, "there's a flight that leaves at 6:00 tonight, no layovers, the kids could sleep on the plane, and I can meet you at the baggage claim to help you with your bags, do you think that'll work?"

"Yeah, yeah that will be perfect, I'm not supposed to get off until 5:00, but I'll explain it to Owen, I'm sure he'll let me leave early," I replied, "Are we really doing this?"

"That's perfect. We are, if you're up for it." he remarked with a hope laced voice.

"Of course I am."

"Ok, I'll get these tickets and email them to you, don't worry about printing them off, they'll scan your phone at the gate, and see if someone can take you to the airport to help you with the kids," the hope that was previously in his voice had been replaced with excitement and I could tel that he had a grin as big as Texas on his face. As we worked out all of the kinks, the excitement began to build in my chest. By tomorrow I would be able to hug him and kiss him, sleep in the same bed as him for at least a night. I couldn't believe that a simple joke about visiting him to save him from his sad weekend would turn into something so real. After saying goodbye, I hopped off of the bed and walked out of the on-cal room to find Owen.

* * *

><p>Hours later, I was in an airplane, Zola sitting next to me, and Bailey on my lap. The look on Zola's face when I told her and Bailey we were going to D.C. to see Derek was one of the best I had ever seen. The pure joy and excitement almost brought tears to my eyes, and made Bailey start to laugh. Though he was to young to understand completely, he understood that what was happening was a really good thing. He had never flown before and from the moment we stepped on to the plane, he began to cling to me tightly, whining if I tried to loosen his grip. Zola was the exact opposite, she was amazed by everything about it, and began asking a million question a minute, making it difficult to keep her still. My carry-on was full of toys, coloring books, crayons, books, and the iPad that held Curious George. There was no doubt in my mind that I had over done it with the toys, howeverI didn't want to risk having two bored kids on my hands. I helped Zola with her seat belt before buckling my own and re-positioning Bailey.<p>

"Zola you have to listen to Mommy real quick," her brown eyes widened as she looked at me and nodded, "You have to sit in your seat and whisper unless you have to go potty. Make sure you tell me if you have to go OK?"

Zola nodded and smiled up at, "Otay Mama, can I have Gi-Gi and blankie pease?" I grabbed her things out of the bag, taking some crackers out along with them, knowing she and Bailey would be hungry for a snack soon. I watched with a smile as she snuggled up with her blanket and started playing with her giraffe, tickling Bailey lightly before shifting him onto my shoulder and rubbing his back. We started rolling down the runway and I grabbed his pacifier and blanket out of the front pocket of the bag, tucking the elephant-covered blanket around him and placing the pacifier into his mouth to make the ascent easier on his tiny ears. I looked to my right, where Zola was looking out the window and talking to her stuffed animal. Bailey whined slightly as the plane lifted from the ground and the landing gear retreated back into the plane and I began to rock him slowly.

Two hours later, it was 8:30. Bailey was asleep on my chest and Zola was tucked against my side, wrapped in her blanket with Gi-Gi in her arms, and watching an episode of Curious George, not far behind her brother. The flight so far had been better than I had expected, Zola played with her toys, colored, drank juice and ate pretzels. Bailey had calmed down after about twenty minutes and was happy to play with his sister. There were a few high-pitched squeals from both, but not enough to make everyone hate us quite yet. As her episode ended, I rubbed my hand over Zola's head in the way that she loves, and noticed she had drifted off. I took the iPad from her, placed it back into the bag that had made it's way next to her on the seat, and pulled her tightly to my side. Sitting there, in a plane, covered by my kids, I couldn't help but think about how much had changed since my intern year. I had been lonely and work-driven, the only thing on my mind was getting started in my career as a surgeon, but then I met Derek and everything changed. I was no longer as work-driven anymore, our first two months together, before I found out about Addison, were the best months I had had in the longest time. I've taken it for granted, the fact that I no longer have to worry about being alone. Sure, I feel lonely sometimes, especially since Derek has been gone, but now I know that it will never last long.

I fell asleep quickly after the kids and woke up just as we were descending. I looked around, taking in my surroundings and noting that the kids were still sleeping and everything was packed away in our bag. We landed with a light thud and both kids whined and shifted in their sleep, but weren't woken up. As we taxied toward the gate, I pulled out my phone to text Derek, "Landed and waiting to get off. Kids are still asleep, see you soon :)" seconds later I got a reply, "Good :) I'm waiting, very impatiently, for you!"

I smiled to myself as the cabin lights turned on and the seat-belt signs off. Watching as people began to file off the plane, I stood slowly, shifted Bailey onto my right shoulder, grabbed the bad from around Zola, swung it onto the shoulder previously occupied by a sleeping Bailey before shifting him back and swaying back and forth as I waited for our turn. The people two rows in front of us began to stand and I shook Zola carefully, "Mama?" came her tired, tiny voice.

"You have to stand up real quick so I can lift you Zo," I said softly to her sleepy form. She grunted stubbornly before sitting up, rubbing her eyes, grabbing her giraffe in her hand, and standing to her feet. I swept my arm around her and brought her to my hit, she snuggled close to me, shoving her face in my neck as I began to move side ways through the isle. I smiled at the flight attendant as I walked off of the plane, and and my heart beat faster with every step. In a matter of minutes he would be there in front of us and I couldn't wait, I began to walk as fast as I could under the weight of the kids. As we came to the baggage claim, I scanned the room for Derek, until I spotted him leaning against a pillar, he needed to lean more often, either that or I needed more sleep. Within seconds, we made eye contact and he began walking toward us, I felt tears well up behind my eyes as he came closer and closer. By the time we were face to face, my eyes were flooded. We shared a wide smile as he took Zola from my arms, snuggled her to his chest, kissed the side of her head, and moved closer to wrap an arm around my waste, "Hi," he said softly as he stroked my back and kissed the top of my head.

I sniffled and my voice came out roughly as I said, "God, you smell so good," we laughed quietly as we held each other for a few minutes.

"Did the kids do OK on the flight?" he asked as we walked toward the baggage claim hand in hand.

"They were really good, Bailey was pretty scared for a while, but they played and then slept most of the time sleeping," I replied in a tired whisper.

"Good, that's good," he returned with a smile, "Here, I'll grab your bags," he said as he shifted Zola back into my arms. I whispered to her as she shifted slightly and swayed back and forth to keep both Zola and Bailey asleep as I watched Derek grab the bags. A few minutes later, we walked out of the airport and to Derek's car. We were together as a family for the first time in three weeks and I couldn't stop smiling.

**Please Review! I would love some input on the story, any tips you have, any story ideas, let me know, please!**

**I have to say, I was NOT disappointed with Grey's this Thursday, that MerDer scene at the end was perfection. I honestly lost track of how many times I hit rewind on my remote.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy; if I did, I most likely wouldn't have a Snow-Day for work.**

**Author's Note: I didn't plan on getting anything written this weekend, but it turns out I had a lot more time than I thought I would so here it is. Chapter 6! I hope you enjoy it. Please review and let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!**

The feeling that came over me the moment I saw Meredith walking toward the baggage claim with our two sleeping kids in her arms was like none other. She looked beautiful, exhausted, but beautiful. As I shoved myself off of the pillar I couldn't help but walk quickly toward them and swoop Zola softly into my arms to relieve some stress from Meredith's. Holding my family in my arms was better than anything I could have imagined. That moment made me realize just how much I loved feeling Zola snuggle into me, Meredith wrap her arm around my waste, and the still baby-like smell of Bailey.

From the airport to my apartment, Meredith recalled with amazing detail the smallest things Zola and Bailey had done on the flight. We talked about Cristina and Ross, joking about them getting together for good, and about how we may be able to help Callie and Arizona. Half way there, Meredith fell asleep with her hand entwined in mine, as we stopped at a red light, I glanced over at her, watching as she slept and stroking her hand in tender, slow circles. A green light pierced through the dark early morning sky, and my foot released the brake and pushed the gas softly. Twenty minutes later we were pulling into the parking garage, and rolled to a gradual stop. I gazed at Meredith for a few moments before untangling our hands and moving to stroke her cheek. "Meredith, Meredith wake up," I whispered delicately.

Scrunching her nose, as she always did when she woke up, and leaning further into my hand, she whispered back with a grunt, "No."

"Meredith," I chuckled, "We have to get the kids inside."

She stretched in her seat as much as she could, and her eyelids fluttered open faintly, "Why are you laughing at me?" she whined.

A wide smile spreed across my face as I tilted my head to the side gingerly, "You're cute when you wake up. When you sleep too." Once the words left my mouth, I couldn't help but let my mind drift to the last time I had been able to watch her sleep, in person. It was the night before I left for D.C. We had gone to bed late, having stayed up talking for most of the night, before she had fallen asleep. Though she fell asleep with little trouble, it wasn't the same for me, having gotten so caught up in watching every move Meredith made. From the way her eyebrows furrowed slightly, to the way she subconsciously nuzzled closer to my chest, clinging to me in her sleep. Thoughts of the endless nights to come plagued my mind, the loneliness I knew was upon us had caused me to push my nose into the crook of her neck, taking in the familiar smell of her hair and kissing her neck tenderly.

"You're a creeper," she muttered with a laugh. Our eyes met and I held her gaze for a few seconds, smiling at each other in a way that echoed exactly how excited we were to be within a 1-mile radius of each other.

A whine erupted from the backseat of the car, and as I turned back, I made eye contact with a blue-eyed little boy that looked just like his mommy. His face lit up and his sleep-filled eyes widened before he let out a squeal, "Dada!" Bailey attempted to wiggle out of his car-seat to no avail and his face scrunched up as he started to whine once more. With a chuckle, I leaned over to give Meredith a peck on the cheek, "Come on, the Monkey's getting agitated." she giggled back as we unbuckled and climbed out of the car. I crossed around to her side of the SUV as she came around to mine. I opened Bailey's door and found him kicking his feet up in the air and raising his arms toward me while fighting against his car-seat straps, "Come here Monkey," I unbuckled him and grabbed him from the car before tossing him up in the air, eliciting a giggle from the little boy. He babbled in my ear as I hugged him close, kissing his head before shifting him onto my hip and reaching back in to the car, where my eyes met Meredith's as she nabbed a sleepy Zola from her own car-seat. After grabbing Bailey's monkey, blanket, and pacifier from his seat, I popped the pacifier into his mouth, "Hold that for me real quick, OK Monkey?" I asked, tickling his tummy once more, and placing his blanket and monkey into his grasp. Meredith and I met at the hatch of the car, and while Bailey babbled around his pacifier, I opened it up. I grabbed the large suitcase from the trunk with my free hand and placed it on the ground, popping the handle up, and shutting the trunk after Meredith grabbed the smaller suitcase. We made our way to the elevator, kids and luggage in hand.

Zola began to wake up as we walked onto the elevator, "Mama," she grunted, "why we movin' 'round?" A smile formed on my face as Meredith moved her hand from the suitcase at her waist to Zola's back and rubbed her hand up and down, before whispering something in her ear. Whatever she said to the little girl made her eyes widen as she picked her head up and looked toward me, "Daddy!" she shouted as she reached around Meredith to wrap her arms around my neck, with help from her Mommy, Zola moved from Meredith's hip to mine and snuggled close.

"How are you Princess? Did you sleep well?" I questioned.

"Pretty good," she remarked before her eyes widened once more, "Mama took me 'n' Bailey on a air-pane! We went way way far up in da sky, all da way to da cwouds Daddy! Bailey didn't like it at all; he was huggin' Mama, but den I gave him Monkey and we played cars, and him was all better," she finished with an accomplished nod of her head, her messy bed-head bobbing with her, "Oh! And I got big lots'a sleep Daddy,"she spread her arms out, reaching as far as she could to prove her point.

Meredith reached around me to roll the other suit-case toward her as Zola and I continued to talk about the plane ride, Bailey babbling in his two cents every couple words, until the elevator dinged, signalling that we had reached our destination. I walked out with the kids, closely followed by Meredith. We rounded the corner and heard a man's voice, "Dr. Shepherd! What are you doing out so early?"

"Hey Stew! I had to head out and pick these guys up from the airport," I said with a smirk before turning to Meredith, "Mer, this is the doorman I told you about, Stew."

"Nice to meet you, thanks for keeping my husband company," she remarked as she shook his hand, "You can always call me if he gets too annoying and you want to get rid of him," she finished, smirking in my direction.

"Daddy not 'nnoying, Mama!" Zola spoke up in a cute little angry voice.

Chuckling loudly, I glared jokingly at Meredith, "At least someone loves me." She met my statement with an eye roll as I felt Bailey wiggle in my arms, anxious to escape, and bent down to set him on the ground. The moment his tiny legs hit the tile, he began running circles around us, squealing in delight. Zola watched with laughter before asking to get down herself, and playing with her baby brother.

"We'll see you later Stew."

"Alright Derek, it was nice to meet you Meredith," he smirked as he 'tipped' his fictitious hate toward her.

"Hey! No flirting with my wife," I shot back over my shoulder, corralling the kids into yet another elevator. Zola pranced right in after Meredith, talking to Gi-Gi the whole way. Bailey, on the other hand, continued running circles, dogging me every time I came close, until I caught him, swept him into my arms like a little baby and blew raspberries on his belly with a growl, "Come on you little stinker." He giggled, shrieking loudly in my ear as we made our way toward our girls, who were laughing at us from the elevator.

* * *

><p>Before closing the door to the bedroom that held Bailey and Zola, I looked at their peaceful faces and smiled. They were snuggled tightly into the beds I had purchased last night. A port-a-crib for Bailey and a 'big girl bed' for Zola, which I had placed in the corner of the only, though large, bedroom in the apartment. I leaned against the door-frame for at least five minutes, just enjoying the ability to be in the same room and look at their faces in person. The ache that had settled into my stomach and heart for the last three weeks was finally lifting as I spent more and more time around my nearly perfect little family. Pushing myself off of the door-frame and pulling the door closed carefully, made my way toward Meredith. She was in the kitchen sipping a glass of water while studying a small rectangular box, directly in front of her on the island. As I moved closer, I saw what the box held and my pulse quickened, "Meredith."<p>

"This isn't why I said that I should come visit, I promise. It didn't even cross my mind until I was on my way to the airport with the kids, so I stopped at a drug store and grabbed a test, and I'm not even sure if I'm right. I just... I've been feeling sick for the past few days, and I'm a few weeks late, at first I thought it was stress, but by the time I actually sat down and thought about it.. I just... it could still just be stress," she rambled nervously and continued to stare down at the box, setting the glass next to it. I walked over to her and placed a hand on the small of her back, leaning into her slightly, "Derek," she continued, turning her head to look me in the eye, "Bailey isn't even two yet, and running after him and Zola, and working is a like having two full time jobs. We still don't know how much longer you'll have to stay in D.C." her breath continued to quicken as she talked, and I could hear the tears building.

"Meredith," I said softly, "Take the test, we'll figure this out, but in order to do that, we need to know for sure, OK?" My hands grasped her hips and I spun her around to face me. I cupped her face in my hands and stroked her cheeks, placing a light kiss against her forehead before leaning mine against hers, "This doesn't have to be a bad thing, this is a good thing. A really good thing, but we have to find out," she nodded her head, and shifted to hug me tightly before grabbing the box and heading toward the bathroom. I ran my fingers through my hair, and over my face, sighing heavily and moving toward the stool at the other side of the island where I sat with my elbow on the counter and my head in my hand. A million question began penetrating my thoughts. What if the test was positive? What if she was actually pregnant? What would we do? I felt bad enough leaving her alone with two kids, I couldn't imagine leaving her alone with the added stress of a pregnancy. The last three weeks without my family had been incredibly hard, it would only be harder knowing that there was another person to worry about. The bathroom door creaked open and I took a deep breath as Meredith appeared behind it.

"Five minutes," she stated simply walking over to me and placing the test down on the counter in front of me and leaning against my left side. In a split second, I turned and swiftly picked her up before placing her on my lap so she was straddling me, "Derek," she shrieked.

"Shhh, you'll wake up the kids," I said with a laugh. She rolled her eyes, and latched her hands around my neck. rubbing my hands up and down her back slowly and methodically, I whispered to her with a loving smile, "We can do this. Whatever the results are, we'll be OK. Either you're not pregnant and we continue on like we have been until I can go home, or, you are pregnant and we have a new little baby that looks just as much like you as Bailey does, and I try to get home as soon as I can."

"How do you always know exactly what to say?" she giggled as she wiped a tear from her face, before sighing, closing her eyes, and folding me into a hug.

Holding her tightly against my chest, I whispered into her ear, "Because I know you Meredith, and I know what you're thinking right now. You're scared, and you don't know how this is going to work. A baby isn't the worst thing that can happen, we love babies," I chuckled tenderly.

"We do, at least our babies. I think five minutes is up," Meredith pulled herself away from me slightly and looked into my eyes once more, "You look," she said forcefully.

"OK," reaching around her, I grabbed the stick from the counter and brought it between us before flipping it over and staring at the two very prominent pink lines, "You're pregnant," I said as a smile grew larger and larger across my face and my eyes watered.

"We're gonna have a baby?" she asked tearfully, "We're having another baby," she repeated, this time with a smile matching my own as she giggled. Leaning into me for the millionth time since we first saw each other, and kissed me deeply. We sat there, lost in each other for what felt like hours, thinking about what our family would be like with one more: a family of five. The baby smell, the tiny clothes, seeing their ultrasound picture for the first time, hearing the heartbeat for the first time. There was so much ahead of us, happy, new and a little challenging.

"I love you," she said with a tear laced voice, as her hand traveled down to her stomach.

I looked at her, placed my hand over hers, and pressed a kiss against her cheek, "I love you too, Meredith."

"Mama! Daddy!" we heard Zola's hysterical cries coming from the bedroom moments later, and Meredith hopped off my lap and walked quickly toward the door. Once Meredith reached Zola, she pulled her into her arms and grabbed her giraffe before heading back out the door and shutting it gently, noticing that, though Bailey had shifted and groaned in his sleep, he was still out cold. As Meredith walked toward the couch with Zola, I grabbed the pregnancy test and moved around the counter to toss it in the trash. Then toward the fridge, snatching Zola's juice-filled sippy-cup, a pack of fruit snacks from the cupboard to the right that we had picked up earlier this morning on our shopping trip, while listening to Meredith talk soothingly to Zola in the voice she, subconsciously, saved specifically for the kids. When I moved back around the counter and sat next to Meredith and Zola on the couch facing them with one leg tucked under me.

"Here's your juice Princess," I moved my hand over her head tenderly, as she sprawled against Meredith's chest, her breath still slightly labored.

"Tank you Daddy," her sweet, sad voice replied while she sipped at her juice and clutched her giraffe tighter.

"You're welcome Zo-Zo." I looked toward Meredith with a small smile and a wink, then moved my eyebrows up and down sporadically. Eliciting a laugh from the tiny blonde and the little girl in her lap. I had to believe that we would get through this. That we would figure out how to make this work. We did it once, and these new circumstances would serve for an adjustment, but it would be OK. I would need to make a few phone calls, and attempt to work something out that would allow me to be home more often, if not shorten my time in D.C. We were having a another baby.

* * *

><p>Derek had decided to take the kids to the Smithsonian National Zoo, knowing how much they loved the animals and that there were so many more animals to see. I offered to stay behind and help make the apartment a little more livable, but mainly to give him some time alone with the kids, knowing that he missed them just as much, if not more, than they missed him.<p>

I started by choosing a few pictures of us and the kids from my phone and sending them to the nearest Walgreen's to be printed, and hailed a cab to the nearest Target - thank god for Google Maps. Once there, I grabbed a cart and started toward the home decor section. Though my knowledge in this department was limited, it was still a lot better than Derek's. It had been weeks since I had been shopping with out Zola and Bailey and I had almost forgotten how relaxing it could be. As I turned the corner, I found myself in the baby section and couldn't resist the urge to walk through. Stopping at a the second rack in, I saw a tiny, dark gray onsie with orange lettering that said, 'I'm the Latest Addition', my eyes watered and a smile adorned my face as I pictured a tiny new baby that looked just like Derek filling it out. Without much though, I grabbed it off the rack and stuck it in the cart before continuing to the home decor section. I rolled the cart down an isle with throw pillows lining the shelves. Thinking back to the apartment's tan walls, slightly deeper tan couch, and blue chairs against the large glass window, I grabbed two orange, blue, green, and gray striped pillows with a black back ground along with two solid dark brown pillows.

Two hours later I left the store having spent a lot more than expected on a rug to warm up a section of the wood floors, a lamp to go next to the couch, the throw pillows, a couple of throw blankets, picture frames, and a few decorative pictures. I was beyond excited to see Derek's face when he walked through the door with the kids, and after a quick stop by Walgreen's to pick up the pictures I made my way back to put everything in place. Just as I was laying the last throw pillow on the couch, I heard the door click open and the patter of little shoes accompanied by the loud chatter of little voices. I walked to the door, "Hey! Did you guys have fun?"

Derek looked up at me with a smile from his position on the floor removing Bailey's shoes and Zola shouted, "We had lots'o fun Mama, we saw monkeys and Gi-Gi's, and foggies, and pandas too! It was so cool Mama," she sighed heavily, ran over to her Gi-Gi, plopped onto the couch, and told her all about the zoo.

Bailey shot up from the floor once Derek had taken off his shoes and ran into my legs full force, squeezing them tight, then waving his arms up at me, "Mama Mama Mama," he babbled. Reaching down and sweeping him into my arms, I blew raspberries on his neck, drawing a wave of giggles from his little belly.

"Somebody's in a good mood. Did you like all the animals, Monkey?" I walked with the babbling little boy back to the living room and plopped down onto the couch by Zola. Hearing Derek's reaction prior to seeing it, I smiled brightly and watched as he turned the corner, his eyes widening as he took in his surroundings.

"Meredith, you did all of this?" he asked in disbelief, "This morning?"

"I did, there was nothing here. It didn't look lived in before. Now it feels... homier," I said with a shrug. He smiled at me, in the dreamy way that caused Cristina to give him the title of McDreamy, and walked over to us.

Standing in front of me, he bent down, placing his hands on my legs, kissing me quickly and softly, "Thank you. I love the pictures of you and the kids. It isn't home, but it really does help Meredith, thank you." Derek laughed and moved away from me as he received a few angry screeches from Bailey, who was kicking his legs at Derek from his place on my lap, "I think somebody wants Mommy all to himself, are you getting ready for a nap Mr. Monkey Boy?" Derek said, sending a pointed look toward Bailey before moving to hold a hand out to Zola, "Come on Princess, want to help me with lunch?"

"Yeah!" she shouted as she grabbed his hand and screeching in surprise when he released her hand moving around behind her, and tickled her sides as they walked to the kitchen.

"They're crazy Monkey," Bailey looked at me with a look that screamed 'Don't I know it Mom' and made v-rooming noises as he drove his red car all around her body, "Let's go see what they're cooking."

With those words his face lit up, "Nummies!" he shouted, crawling off my lap and running toward the kitchen. Standing up from the couch, I couldn't help but imagine holding a little baby in my arms, and my hands drifted to my stomach, rubbing in slow, tender circles.

"Am I interrupting something?" I turned my head sharply toward the disturbance, a blush creeping up onto my face as I noticed Derek leaning against the door-jam smiling at me.

Shaking my head and laughing, I stated, "I want to show you something. Will the kids be OK where they are for a minute?"

"Yeah, yeah, they'll be OK," a look of concern adorned his face,"are you OK?"

"I'm fine, I promise, come here," walking toward him and grabbing his hand, I lead him to the other side of the room and picked up the onsie I bought earlier this morning, "I know it's probably too early to be buying anything, but I saw it when I was shopping this morning and I couldn't help myself."

"Meredith," Derek interjected softly, "It's perfect," he finished as he grabbed it from my hands and stroked it softly, "There's gonna be a baby in this in a few months," the sound of awe in his voice and the look on his face matched that of when I had told him about Bailey and I leaned into his chest ever so slightly.

Suddenly, yelling and crying erupted from the kitchen and Zola shouted, "Daddy! Bailey 'tole my Gi-Gi! Him's gettin' it all slobb'ry!" Derek and I laughed as he handed me the onsie, wrapped an arm around me from behind, grasped my opposite shoulder, and kissed me before moving to the kitchen to deal with the 'crisis'.

I looked at the tiny onsie in awe for a moment longer, before shoving it back into the bag and walking toward the kitchen, trying to wrap my mind around the thought of being a family of five instead of a family of four. A small part of me was afraid of how the next few months would play out. Whether Derek would be there for most of it. If everything would go as well as it did for my pregnancy with Bailey, and if the birth would go better this time around. Despite that and more, I was beyond excited at the prospect of the new life growing inside of me, it felt so surreal in that moment, but I couldn't wait to hold this baby arms. Derek and I would figure it out, we always have adn we always will.

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter! The next one may not be published until next weekend, but this one is the longest so far :)**

**I greatly appreciate all of the reviews you have taken the time to share thus far!**

**Also, I understand that everyone has different interpretations of characters, but I would like it if you would let me know where you see any majorly out-of-character areas. (I do realize that MerDer aren't usually as touchy-feely as they are in this chapter, but hey, a girl can dream right?)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy; if I did, my laptop would be faster than molasses.**

**Author's Note: For anyone who has been following this story, I am so sorry! My laptop hasn't been working and I haven't had much time to type anything up, but this chapter is pretty long so I hope that helps!**

**Please read, review, and hopefully enjoy! :)**

_Fear is a natural part of life. It drives us to do things we wouldn't normally do, makes us think in different ways. Some say there is nothing they fear, however, is that really true? You may not be afraid of the act of dying, you may not be afraid of spiders or sharks, but aren't you afraid of what may happen, aren't we all? The fear of the unknown is the greatest fear there is. Anything could happen at any moment in time and most people are able to deal with that, we have to in order to live normal lives. It's the fear of what we have absolutely no control over that gets us the most. The fear of what will happen after our death, how will our families react? Will they be OK? Many people struggle with questions such as this everyday, it isn't that they have nothing to be afraid of, so they say. It is because what they are afraid of cannot be avoided._

It had been six weeks since I had taken the kids to see Derek and five since he had been home. During the few days he was home, we were able to make an appointment with my OB, who determined that I was approximately three and a half weeks along and everything was right on track. He had been conversing with his superiors in order to work out some form of specific timeline that would allow him to come home as soon as possible. Ultimately, it had been decided that once Derek completed six months of work in D.C, he would be able to perform as much of his duties as he could from months and twenty-three days, and he would be home for good. As excited as I was about the prospect of having another child, I was just as terrified, if not more. There was so much that could go wrong and millions of questions flew through my brain every day. What if Bailey had simply been a fluke? Does this baby even have a chance? April and Jackson popped into my mind and I thought about all they had just been through, that could be Derek and me. How am I supposed to handle everything on my own, even for the next couple months?

There was no getting away from it, it didn't matter how hard I tried. The only solutions I could find involved distraction, either at work, with the kids, or talking to Derek. As much as Derek helped from across the country, it was nothing compared to having him by my side, being able to just sit with **him** in silence, and take comfort in his warmth. I needed to tell someone, to get it off my chest, see the smile on their face as they heard the news. I needed someone next to me, to hug me and tell me everything was going to be OK, even simply for my benefit. Though my doctor had said everything was good, I needed to hear it again.

The Sunday afternoon sun was beating through the window-covered walls of the house, as I finished up the dishwasher. By some twist of fate, Amelia and Callie both had the day off, so Callie ventured over with Sofia and they helped me with the kids so I could get some house-work done. Until I was actually having a conversation with two adults, I hadn't realized how much I needed it.

Now that all the kids were down for naps and sound asleep, Amelia was working on paperwork at the island in front of me, and Callie was sitting on the couching, folding laundry. Taking the last glass from the dishwasher, I dried it carefully while periodically looking between them. I wanted to tell them, I really did, but every time I opened my mouth, I couldn't bring myself to form the words. Telling people would mean that if we lost this baby, we would have to tell them that too and I didn't know if I was ready to make it that real.

"OK, what's your problem?" came Amelia's voice.

"Are you daydreaming about cheeseburgers again?" followed Callie's.

"Cheeseburgers, why would..." Amelia questioned, obviously confused.

"Code for sex," I replied.

"Well, if you are, I do not want to know why you're looking at me," she finished with a grimace, shoving her papers back into her folder and capping her pen before pushing them aside.

"Nothing's wrong," I replied defensively.

"Sure," she said with a look of skepticism written on her face, "You know? I could use some more cheeseburgers in my life," she replied whimsically.

"Holla," Callie and I harmonized.

Callie got up from the couch, walked around the counter, grabbed the cork screw, turned around and reached toward the wine rack as I began to fill the dishwasher with dirty dishes once more. After popping the cork and letting it breathe she grabbed for a wine glass, "Want some?"

"Recovering Alcoholic," Amelia said with a raise of her hand, "I'll just have some water," as she filled a glass with water from the fridge.

"Crap, that's right, sorry," Callie replied with a slight grimace, "What about you Mer?"

"No, no I'm good," my voice came out more urgently than I anticipated and I rushed to calm it down, "Thanks though."

"Seriously?" Callie questioned, eyebrows raised in disbelief, "When do you ever say no to alcohol?"

"You're not dying are you?" Amelia interjected with a laugh.

Faking an angry look, I grabbed the rag from the counter and hit her with it softly, "Shut up," I finished with a laugh, before I caught a whiff of the wine. God, I missed that.

I scanned the kitchen for more dirty dishes before shoving the dishwasher closed and moving toward the living room to clean up any lingering toys. Behind me, I heard Callie pouring some wine into a glass and placing the bottle in the fridge.

"Meredith, I'm serious. What's wrong?" Amelia questioned, with concern lacing every word. as she walked into the living room, and sat on the couch, her legs tucked beneath her, Callie close behind. As they settled into the couch, Amelia shot me a very Derek-esque pointed look as Callie simply raised her eyebrows. It was moments like this that cemented the fact that Amelia was Derek's sister into my mind; they could be so damn similar sometimes.

I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair, before bending down, placing a few more toys into the toy-box, and moving around the back of the couch to sit next to them. For just a moment, I sat there, sideways on the couch, one leg tucked under me, my elbow on the back of the couch and my head laying in my hand. Drawing in one last shaky breath, I looked them both in the eye before looking down and picking at the blanket that hung over the back of the couch and whispered, "I'm pregnant," smiling slightly.

A shocked expression made it's way onto each of their faces, "Oh my god!" Callie said with a laugh, "Congratulations."

Amelia's eyes widened and her eyebrows shot halfway up her forehead, "You're what?" she asked, dumbfounded, "Does Derek.."

"Yes," I said forcefully, giggling slightly, "Derek knows, he's known for a while actually. You know that weekend about a month and a half ago when I took the kids to see him in D.C," she nodded her head slightly as I continued, "Well, I took a test when we were there and it was positive. So we confirmed it the week after when he came home."

"How far along are you?" she asked, the shocked expression slowly morphing into a smile of awe.

"Almost ten weeks," with my head still in my hand, I felt my smile continue to soften.

"Congratulations, Meredith," she said, her smile matching mine, as she moved to hug me. I tensed for a second, a little apprehensive and not expecting it, but hugged her back, "Did he cry, when you guys found out? Oh, please tell me he cried," she teased as she pulled away, a mischievous look adorning her face.

"He didn't," I giggled, "watery eyes, definitely, but no, no actual crying."

"Damn, I was hoping for some good leverage," chuckling as she reached for her water.

They gave me what I needed, what I wanted from Derek but he couldn't give me at the moment, they made me forget about my fears, but didn't dismiss them. We focused on the positives, Zola and Bailey's reaction when we told them about the baby and jokes about the baby having Derek's hair or crooked nose, it felt amazing and I was beginning to feel more and more like a person again. I had spent so much of the past few weeks as a mother and a surgeon that I forgot to take time for myself, I forgot to be me. Now, I finally had the chance to take a breather, to feel like a real person again, and I couldn't thank them enough. Having people over the age of four to have a conversation with, a conversation that didn't include cows that use typewriters or why we can't fly, was a very nice change.

MDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZB

As I showered that night, I couldn't help but imagine Derek being there with me. The way he held me, our slippery wet bodies glued together, and how he would without fail start washing my hair after. His strong, surgeon hands would weave themselves through my wet, suds-filled hair with the same delicate meticulously he mastered in surgery. Missing him, was constant. In the beginning, I hated myself in the slightest for being such a 'weak' person, however I've realized that missing someone you've spent every free moment with for the past eight years isn't weak, it's understandable. Growing up, my mother didn't teach me how to feel. She taught me how to cut, suture, and hide my feelings the best I could. If she had, I would have embraced missing people sooner, because I do, miss people that is. I miss George, his awkwardness and stupid jokes, I imagine he would have been a great uncle for Bailey and Zola to have. I miss Izzie, the warmth and baked goods she filled the frat-house with, she would have been the one to teach Zola how to bake. I miss Lexie, her ability to break down my walls and give me a sister, Zola loved her more than anything and Bailey would have too. I miss Cristina, her sarcasm and friendship, let's face it she wasn't exactly the best babysitter, but she loved these kids an amazing amount. Missing people is something I have grown into, it's something I have learned is a life necessity, it gives you a sense of who matters the most.

Hopping out of the shower, I dried quickly before slipping my bra and panties on with lightning speed in an attempt to race away from the cold. Moving toward the counter to grab my pajamas, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and stopped in surprise. It was really there, I could see it, the little, tiny bump that simply made it look like I had gained a few pounds. My hand traveled to the teeny tiny bump that had appeared seemingly out of no where and I stroked it softly, looking myself up and down in the mirror, "Hi baby," I whispered tenderly, smiling down at my stomach. Tears began to gather behind my eyes and I put my clothes on quickly, tossing the dirty laundry into the hamper by the door and hopping onto the bed before rolling onto my side and reaching toward the nightstand for my phone, I hit speed-dial 1 and waited, no-so patiently for an answer.

"Hello?" came the gruff, sleep-filled voice.

I smiled slightly, "We're having a baby, Derek," I giggled, then continued, "I can see it... we're having a baby."

He chuckled and I heard sheets shuffling around, "We are," he said softly, "What do you mean you can see it? Did you have another ultrasound already?" he questioned, confusion lacing his voice.

"No, Derek I have a bump. It's tiny, and it kind of just looks like I gained weight, but it's there," I rambled with awe filling my voice.

"Really? Already?" he replied excitedly.

"Yeah," I giggled as I heard ringing coming from the laptop on the night stand, with confusion I reached toward it, "Hold on," I told Derek as I flipped the laptop open. Once I noticed it was a Skype call from Derek, I smiled even wider and clicked accept, hanging up with him as his face popped onto my screen.

"You hung up on me," he exclaimed with fake hurt lacing his voice as he laughed. Laughing with him, I took in his wild sleep hair and Bodwoin t-shirt he loved so much, before rolling my eyes.

"So sensitive," I replied with a smirk.

"Alright, let's see it, show me the goods," he retorted, waving his eyebrows at me, then smiling and tilting his head.

"Don't be such a perv, you old man," I glared jokingly.

"You're my wife, I'm your perv, deal with it," he said with a shrug of his shoulders, "And I am not that old Meredith!"

"Whatever you say, Dear," I rolled my eyes once more.

"Meredith, stop stalling."

I shifted on the bed to a sitting position, my side facing the computer screen and slowly lifted my shirt, "See, I told you, it just looks like I'm getting fat," finishing with a giggle.

"It does not, Meredith," now it was his turn to roll his eyes, "Wow. There really is a baby in there," he spoke up after a few seconds.

"It's not technically a baby yet, it's a fetus," I stated.

"Meredith," he groaned, "You're gonna give the kid a complex," making a face, then smiling.

"Whatever, I called Bailey fetus for a long time and he's perfectly fine."

"As of right now," he argued, "If you roll your eyes one more time, they're gonna get stuck up there."

"Oh my god," I laughed, "Stop it with the dad jokes already," I placed a hand over my slightly larger stomach softly.

"You're so beautiful," Derek said tenderly as his laughter died. I glanced back toward him, scrunching my nose and snorting a little before pulling my shirt back down, then leaned back on the bed and rolled onto my side once more, draping a hand over my belly.

"Sorry I woke you up. I completely forgot about the time difference."

"Don't be sorry, I'm glad you woke me," he said, his eyes sparkling, "I want you to come to me, call me, I guess, when you need me. Even though I'm further away now, I'm still your husband."

A lump formed in my throat and tears built behind my eyes once more, this time, a few making trails down my cheek. I sniffled and wiped them away, "OK," sighing ruggedly, I continued, "I really miss you, Derek."

Tilting his head once more, his eyes filled with sadness and adoration he whispered, "I miss you too, so much."

"Crap," I sputtered as tears continued to pour down my face and my breathing became more and more irregular.

"Stupid pregnancy hormones?" Derek asked, chuckling slightly, "You should get some sleep, Meredith."

"Shut up," I said, which came out somewhere between a whine and a sob, "Not yet, I just want to hear your voice for a little while. How was your day?" as I finished, I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes in an attempt to keep further tears from making their way onto my cheeks.

"Long and boring," he sighed darkly, leaning back into his head board, "I cleaned the apartment up a bit, got some groceries. Hung out with Stew at the desk, did some paperwork, it's way too quiet around here."

"I'm sorry," I shot him a sad, watery smile, "You're still hanging out with your doorman? You really need to find some friends, Derek," I laughed.

"I'm not going to waste time making friends here, I won't be here for much longer and I'd rather talk to you and the kids when I have the time."

"I know it's not that long, but it's still almost four months," I replied with a sigh of my own.

He sighed and nodded in defeat, rubbing his hands over his face and through his hair then smiling at me once more, "I know."

For a few moments, we sat in silence, looking into each other's eye through the screens of our computers. As the seconds inched past, Jackson and April came to mind again. I couldn't imagine what they were going through, if I had lost Bailey in that way, I don't know what I would have done. A ball settled in my throat and tears spilled onto my cheeks once more as I thought of what it would be like if something like that happened to this baby. Looking down at my stomach, I placed a hand it and held it lightly.

"Meredith, what's wrong?" Derek's urgent and concerned voice called, "Mer."

"April and Jackson lost their baby," I whimpered, "Remember I told you that the baby had Osteogenisis Imperfecta? They found out it was type two and th.. they, god, Derek." I sobbed.

"Oh, Meredith," he whispered.

"Th.. they didn't deserve this, th..they w..were so... and," my breathing was becoming ragged once more and I couldn't seem to catch my breath. I turned onto my back and brought my hands to my forehead, trying to calm myself down, "Derek, I... I don't want to l..lose this baby, I really.. really," I groaned through my tears and thumped my head against the pillow.

"Meredith, Meredith calm down, take a deep breath," Derek replied tenderly, "What happened with April and Jackson's baby is terrible and I agree, I can't imagine going through that, but that doesn't mean anything will happen to our baby. I know you're scared, I'm scared too. Everything will go the way it goes and in the end, we'll get through it together. We can do this Meredith."

I could feel his eyes on me, and almost see his loving smile in my mind. We sat like that for a while, talking softly and before I knew it, I was no longer crying and Derek had managed to elicit a laugh from my chest.

Sooner than I would have liked we had to say goodbye, "I have to get some more sleep, I have to work through the night tomorrow. You should get some sleep too, before you have a couple little monsters bouncing on the bed," Derek stated with a smile.

"Ok," sighing softly and returning his sad, tender smile, "I love you."

"I love you too, Meredith. I'll see you soon," just as he was about to log off he spoke up once more, "Give the kids a hug for me and tell them I miss them, and I may not be able to talk to them before bed so, just... I."

"Derek, it's OK, really. You talk to them all the time, they know how much you love them," I said forcefully before succumbing to a yawn, "I'm having lunch with them tomorrow, call then, OK?"

"Sounds good," he smiled, "Thank you."

I snorted a laugh, "They're your kids too, Derek. You don't have to thank me."

Laughing back he replied, "No. Really, they're mine?"

"You're such an ass."

"You like my ass," he said arrogantly.

"Very much," I giggled.

"Good night, Meredith. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Good night," after exchanging smiles, he disappeared from my screen and I shut the laptop, and got under the covers, snuggling into the pillows that still held a trace of Derek's scent before succumbing to much-needed sleep in a matter of minutes.

_Fear is unavoidable, but having people by your side as you move through it, makes it the tiniest bit easier. Without a support group, your fears can devour you from the inside out. Everyone needs people to voice their concerns to to share burdens and happiness with and the sooner we realize this, the sooner fear has less control over us._


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy; if I did I most likely would not have a bunch-o homework.**

**Author's Note: I totally meant for this chapter to be published by at least Sunday, but life happens, right? So, I will start with apologizing to those who were waiting, I am obviously quite terrible at consistency when it comes to this. I hope you enjoy and please review! I'm a little nervous about this chapter for reasons that will most likely bore you and would love to know what you think! :)**

_Newborns thrive on soothing from mothers and fathers and that need for comfort does not simply end once we grow. Horrible things happen in life, and so do small things, things we may not realize at first, but before we know it, we feel the need to be comforted and try to find it wherever we can, once we find that comfort, it's hard to let go, whether it's at the bottom of a liquor bottle or box of chocolate, in the arms of our lovers or the arms of our mothers. Everyone strives for a level of comfort that makes them feel safe, and maybe even better about what we're going through. Any amount of comfort is an amount people thrive off of._

It was a Friday night and for the first time in what felt like years, I was walking into Joe's Bar with Callie at my side, who had been struggling with the new found amount of free time she had now that custody of Sofia was being shared with Arizona and their recent separation. The complaining about lack of cheeseburgers and multiple failed attempts at being picked up had become nearly constant so, here I was. I had yet to figure out how a married, not to mention, pregnant woman would be of any help, but I was a damn good sounding board and Callie was even more hilarious with a few shots in her. We hung our coats on the hook by the door and scanned the room for empty seats before giving up and grabbing two stools at the bar where we were greeted by a friendly face of the bar's (nick)name's sake.

"Joe!" I yelled in surprise, over the noises of the bar, "How are you? I haven't seen you in years, where have you been?"

"Well if it isn't Meredith Grey," he returned with a smile, "Good, good. Walter and I had to head down to Tennessee, his mom was diagnosed with cancer a while back and the family needed help. So, we packed up the twins and moved down there for a while. She died a couple months back, and Walter and I thought it would be best to move back."

"I'm sorry, well, we're glad to see your face around here again."

Callie snorted slightly before replying, "You've probably been gone as long as he has, Mer," looking at the bartender and pointing to me prior to continuing, "Mrs. McDreamy over here is too good for us Joe."

Joe responded with a laugh while I rolled my eyes, "What can I get for you ladies?"

"Oooh, Tequila, two shots each," Callie smiled deviously, "If we're gonna start, we're starting right," she told me as I gave her a pointed look.

"Two shots for that one, I'll take a virgin strawberry daquiri," as the words left my mouth, it began to water, only to increase when I caught a whiff of fries from nearby, "and a large fry," I added quickly.

"That's right, you're one of those pregnant pod-people now," Callie said with a laugh.

"Hey, I'm here, aren't I?"

"Just keep tellin' yourself that, Preggers," Joe placed two shots in front of her and she smiled brightly once more, turning to wink at me and throwing them both back, wincing at the burn as they slid down her throat. I glared at her once she looked away, silently jealous of her alcohol intake, and knowing it was only the beginning.

"Who'd you get to watch the kids?" she asked, holding onto the counter for support as the tequila hit her empty stomach.

"Pierce, Maggie, whatever," I said with a wave of may hand as Joe placed my drink in front of me, a drink with absolutely no alcohol and enough sugar to put a diabetic in a coma, one I wouldn't have been caught dead with not too long ago, "She's amazing with them, I'm tempted to ask her to quit her job and move in," I joked.

"Why? You already did that with Amelia," she giggled.

I laughed slightly and responded, "Yeah, but she's been living in the hospital lately. Ever since Arizona told her about Herman's tumor. She thinks she can save her life, and if she's anything like her brother, she will, so I can't really be too upset. Plus," I continued with a whimsical grin, "Maggie bakes, and she's really good, she makes the most amazing chocolate cupcakes, she's turning Zo into a little baker too."

"Wow," she said, staring at me, "Can I steal her?"

I rolled my eyes, before realizing she wasn't laughing, "Callie, she's a person!" I said with a chuckle. Just then, the scent of grease and fried food hit me in the face and I looked across the bar to see Joe placing a basket of fries in front of me, "If I weren't already taken, I'd marry you," I said with a laugh, he laughed back and told us to yell for him if we needed anything. Pushing the tray marginally closer to Callie I said, "Here, soak up some of that happy juice." She reached into the basket distractedly, and I followed her gaze to a man a few seats down. Chewing on a fry, she started bouncing her leg and picking at her napkin.

"Go say hi," I said quietly, nudging her a bit.

Her head snapped toward me, "What? No, if he wants it he'll come and get it."

"Callie," I said with a shake of my head and a laugh, "Men are idiots, so either start staring at a woman or go over there and ask him to dance."

"I can't handle any more women in my life right now!" she exclaimed, "I need a man."

"Then go get one," I shrugged.

"What if he says no, or worse, what if he's married and his wife shows up and punches me in the face?" she argued, snatching another fry.

"What if he is? You won't know unless you go over there," sighing, I continued, "Callie, you're hot, like crazy, supermodel sexy.. you've got the boobs and the butt, AND the face."

"You know what, you're right, I am a catch, a really damn good one," she stood up with determination, and took a swig of her drink.

"I'll bail you out if you need me to," I said with a smile.

"I won't," she winked, before strutting toward her target, seconds later she was leading him to the dance floor and throwing a smile my way, leaving me alone to devour what was in front of me.

* * *

><p>Tomorrow was Valentine's Day, and though I knew how much Meredith hated celebrating it, I was not going to turn down the opportunity for an excuse to go home to my family. Not to mention, I was supposed to make a trip home two weeks ago to go to Zola's dance recital and Meredith's doctors appointment, but something had come up and I wasn't able to make it. Meredith had been avoiding most of my calls and Zola was pouting and giving me the silent treatment whenever we Skyed, that is if she even came to the computer. I knew they were both angry, they had a right to be. In hopes of surprising Meredith at home, I hadn't mentioned anything during our conversation last night and remained silent as we exchanged texts through the day. Sleep had been hard to come by the last few days and I had barely had enough time to talk to Meredith and the kids, so I felt half asleep as i trudged up to the house, as I walked in the door, dropped my briefcase, shoved off my shoes and placed my jacket on the hook, as I turned around, I was surprised to see someone other than my wife in the kitchen, doing dishes.<p>

"Hey, Derek," came the voice, "Meredith didn't say anything about you coming home."

"She doesn't know, I wanted to surprise her," I replied as I walked into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, smiling at Maggie, "What are you doing here?"

"Oh," she said in surprise, "Meredith asked me to babysit, she went to the bar with Callie. Apparently Callie's been struggling with the separation, she thought she needed a night out."

"Oh, that's good," I replied, moving around to help dry the dishes and put them away, "Meredith probably needed it too," I said softly, thinking of everything she had been dealing with while I was gone.

"The kids are in bed," she said quickly," but you probably figured that. Look, I can go, when I'm done. If you want. I was going to spend the night, Meredith didn't know when she would be back, but..."

"No," I replied, cutting her off, "No, you can stay," and smiling as we finished the dishes. I was so glad to know that Meredith was starting to accept Maggie as her sister, knowing that she was apprehensive in the beginning, most likely due to everything that happened with Lexie, "Actually," I said once we'd finished, "Would you mind if I were to head out for a while, I think I'll surprise Meredith there, since the kids are asleep." In reality, I knew that I should have just let Meredith have her night out with Callie, but it had been so long since I'd seen her and I figure she would be less likely to kill me in a room full of people.

"Yeah, yeah no problem," Maggie smiled, "I'm sure she'll love that."

"Thank you," I said softly, returning her smile, I moved back to the door, phone and keys in hand, slipping on my shoes and coat before saying goodbye and thanks to Maggie once more and heading out the door.

As I made my way down the stairs and into the bar, I thought of the first night we had been there together, the night we met. The night when I was still married, she was just an intern, and we had no idea we would be working together the next day. A smile made it's way onto my face and I was suddenly more excited to see her than I had been moments ago. I stopped at the entrance and scanned the room for the petite blonde. My eyes landed on her figure, at the bar within seconds and jealousy began to burn as I saw a man standing next to her. Moving toward them, I watched as he placed a hand on her arm and she moved away quickly, whipping her head to say something, and the jealously turned to anger.

"Look, buddy, I'm really not in the mood," I heard her spat as I moved closer, "I'm exhausted, pregnant, and I've got two kids at home, not to mention a husband that's working on the other side of the country. So, do us both a favor and go find someone who's interested."

The man's face screwed in anger and just as he was about to say something else, I slid into the stool between him and Meredith, turned toward her and asked, "So, is this a good place to hang out?" before sending a cheesy smile her way, and leaning against the bar on one elbow, with my head tilted into my hand.

"Wha..what are you doing here?" she asked, placing a hand on my thigh leaning into me in with surprise written across her face.

"Tomorrow's Valentine's Day," I said simply, sending another twinkling smile her way.

With my simple statement, flames grew in her eyes and she pulled away form me abruptly. Shit.

"Oh, so you'll come home for Valentine's Day, a holiday we never even celebrate, but you can't take a frickin' day to go to your four year old's dance recital?" staring at me with ferocity.

I groaned and rubbed my hand over my face before turning it to look toward her again, "Meredith," I said tenderly, and saw the man laugh slightly and walk away out of the corner of my eye.

"No! No, I know that voice," her chest was starting to heave slightly and angry tears were building in her eyes, "If you give some stupid excuse about the President, I swear to God, Derek," this time she groaned and turned toward the bar to place her elbows upon it and hold her head in her hands for a moment before turning toward me once more, "I know what you're going to say, and I understand why you couldn't be there, I do. I'm not even mad that you missed my appointment, but Derek, Zola's four. She doesn't understand it the way I do! She thinks you weren't there because you didn't love her enough or you didn't want to be there, she cried herself to sleep that night and the next two after that, she wouldn't even listen to the frickin' book with me and Bailey. You can't just not show up, not talk to her about it and expect her to be OK!" by the time she was done talking, she was nearly shouting and there were tears streaming down her face.

"I didn't want to miss it, Meredith, you know that I would have done anything to be there, but I couldn't, there was nothing I could do about it. I know that I let Zola down and I will do everything I can to make it up to her," I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair, then turned toward her once more. She was angry, very angry, it was written all over her face and I knew she wanted to say something, but was biting her tongue. So I sighed, "I think we need to pause."

"Pauses are just band-aids, Derek," she snapped.

"You're right, they are," I smiled, "and we need one, because I'm in the same room with my wife for the first time in five weeks and we're fighting, but all I want to do is hug her, because it's been a long five weeks."

As she rolled her eyes, a few new tears made tracks down her cheeks and I reached a hand toward her face, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, cupping her cheeking and rubbing away the tears tenderly. For a second, she tensed but inevitably relaxed into my hand then moved to lean against my chest. My hand slid from her face and moved around her back, the other wrapping itself around her from the front, I kissed the crown of her head and squeezed her tightly, "I missed you," she croaked, and I felt her smile against me.

"Good," I growled into her ear, eliciting a watery giggle from her. Rubbing my hands back and forth, I stopped the one around her waist as it moved around to her stomach, which held a new-found roundness and I smiled into her hair before saying, "I'm sorry I missed your appointment."

"I told you, it's fine," she argued.

"I know, but I also know that you would have rather had someone there, and these appointments are the one thing that I've been able to support you in."

"If you're referring to the puking and the nauseousness, it's good you haven't been here. You know I hate that hovery crap," she giggled.

"I do, at least we aren't fighting about 'hoveriness'," I affirmed, as we finally pulled away from each other. Before she could turn her head toward the bar once more, I grabbed each side of her face and kissed her, short and sweet, brushing the hair off of her forehead and turning toward the bar myself just as Joe walked up.

"Hey,Shep! I thought you were out of town."

"Surprise visit,"I said with a smile, slipping my hand around Meredith's back and stroking the side of her stomach lightly.

He smiled back, "What can I get for ya?"

"Just a water."

"Sounds good, Meredith want a refill?"

"I'm good, thanks," came her soft voice as her hand traveled to entwine with mine at her stomach.

It was then I took the time to survey the surroundings and noticed the pink, quarter full drink in front of her, "What the hell is that?" I laughed.

"It's a virgin strawberry daquiri, try it," she laughed as she shoved it toward me.

I looked at her wryly before taking a small sip, I made a face and swallowed harshly, "God, that's pure sugar."

Meredith laughed, "Delicious, isn't it, Mr. Musili?" she paused to look at me with a smile on her face and said softly, "I'm really glad you came, Derek."

Smiling back, I squeezed her side lightly, before removing my hand and grabbing our waters from Joe as he passed by us, "Really?" I questioned in feigned surprise, "but you were having so much fun with Callie."

Pouting a little and smacking my bicep she responded, "Shut-up," quickly followed by a laugh, "I should probably be keeping track of her, but I think she might have gone off with that guy," she winced as she scanned the room, only to find Callie walking from the bathroom, leading a guy behind her, both of them sporting wide grins, "Ew," Meredith said, scrunching her nose.

I laughed and muttered in her ear, "Like we've never done that," earning a glare in my direction, only making my laughter escalate.

Callie spotted us and waved, whispering something to the guy before rushing toward Meredith, "Hey! You were right, he totally just needed a shove," she rolled her eyes and reached around Meredith, grabbing her water and downing it, "We're gonna head out, thanks, Mer," she shouted as she hurried toward the door.

"What the hell just happened?" Meredith asked.

"Looks like you just got Torres laid," I said matter-of-factly, "I didn't know you were such a good wing-man, Mer," I chuckled, bumping shoulders with her.

"Neither did I," she laughed back, still stunned, "Well, I guess, we don't really have anything to stay anymore."

"Unless," I said softly as a slow song traveled through the bar, "You want to dance with me," I got up from my stool and held a hand out to her, tilting my head in a smile.

"You don't dance in public," she said, turning around to face me, placing her hand in mine, but not getting up, "for good reasons," she finished with a wince.

"Meredith, this is barely dancing, it's swaying," I said pulling on her hand lightly, "Come sway with me," I continued, with laughter flooding my voice.

She shook her head and smiled as she stood and followed me closer to the center of the bar, where I let go of her hand and placed both of mine at her waist as she threw hers around my neck and we held each other close. She smiled at me and stared into my eyes, letting me lead her back and forth. Looking into her eyes, seeing her smile, holding her to me, and barely feeling the tiny swell of her stomach press against my waist, I ducked my head a bit and took her lips in mine, kissing her slowly and deeply, then pressing our foreheads together, "See? Swaying," I whispered quietly, a cheesy smile gracing my face. I felt happy, comfortable in that moment and though I knew this was just a pause and we would most likely continue arguing sooner rather than later. She's complicated and frustrating, and doesn't always understand where I'm coming from at first, but she does eventually. We love each other and though we don't say it nearly as often as we should, that never changes.

_It may come to you when you least expect it, when you don't think you need it. It may come piece by piece, in tiny increments so small that you hardly notice, but it's there. We seek comfort while struggling with how to deal with our problems until it comes, however we fail to realize that sometimes, in order to get the comfort we need, we need to discover what it's like to be uncomfortable. The balance between comfortable and uncomfortable are uneven more times than not, but that's how we learn. That's how we learn what helps and what doesn't. Who helps and who makes it ten times worse. No matter what, as much as we may dislike the ratios, they're all part of life._

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thank you tons to those of you who have reviewed; I greatly appreciate it! **

**I have to say, I may be suffering from some major MerDer withdrawals that include not being able to sleep because of thinking up stories. **

**FYI: The next chapter at least, will not be spaced (time-wise) as these last couple have, there will be a Derek-Zola conversation and a little MerDer 'Valentine's Day' fluff, oh and probably more fighting because, ya know, that's how they do.**


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